every day is new.

i sat down to write this morning. nothing really came to mind. or there is so much going on in my mind that its overwhelming. a lot has transpired over the course of a week. had my moments of freaking out over the realization that i am 26 living with my parents and trying to pursue what i feel like i was created to do; there was news splashed on our television sets that broke my heart; and some uncovering's of my own heartbeat that i did not want to face. and still dont.

 

i sat with my friend yesterday. an old friend who i have really grown to love and respect over the years. and we talked about the pain of change. the product of change is great! however, the process hurts. i told him i have run so far from what i know to be right and true in my life that coming home to sit and figure this out has been difficult. i sit everyday and ask myself if this was the right choice. i have been trying to work on the surface level of my issues, but the roots are where the problem lies.

you see...

when you give yourself over to a certain lifestyle for a long period of time it soaks into the fabric of your being. i've groown stale to the things that used to give me passion and meaning. the dreams i chased with such vigor, are somewhat a distant memory. how do i get back to the place when i was 17 years old and wanted to see this world changed. my dad asked me what happened to that boy. that question hurt, but in a good way. well... life happens. i happened to put myself in positions that have manipulated my thinking and forced that dreamer to only see dull lines that are now easily crossed. that needs to change. 

Lord...

i often wonder if my prayers hit the ceiling at night... i still make really dumb mistakes. and i wonder if the Lord is just blocking off communication with me until i figure this out. i do not think that is His heart. but then again i am learning to listen to His voice again. i am not the best example of what it means to be a christian, by any means. however,  i do pray that He can change my life around for His sake and His glory. 

you are not....

the sum of your past mistakes. you are not the sum of your past mistakes. by the way, you are not the sum of your past mistakes. one more time, for my sake, i am not the sum of my past mistakes. guilt ridden souls often believe the lie that we are the sum of our past mistakes. man, that's how i feel all the time. the beauty of grace is just that. grace. that is what i need to remember to lean into. grace. the very reason for Christ's coming. was and is, grace. i need to hold on to that today. because i am not the sum of my past mistakes. and neither are you. sure, there are consequences to our actions. i'm living proof to that. but, there is forgiveness.

i think...

that is where i need to head next. forgiving myself. and also asking forgiveness. everyone always tells me i am too hard on myself, and that may be true, but i am just tired of the cycle i continue to find myself in. repetition of the same mistakes. hurting people. making a mess. well i think the Lord wants that to stop too, but i need to stop dwelling on the past. all of it. the apostle paul said "forgetting what lies behind, and pushing on to the upward calling of Christ Jesus." so that is what i will try and set my mind on today. if anyone else feels trapped in their past, im with you. but there is a way out. let's find it.

 

 

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