today is the day...

today is the day that i breathe slowly..

in and then out... 

repeat the process...

it is going to be okay... i am but an unfinished product... thankful for that.

i see the beauty of the journey ahead. the mountain that faces me. it is beaming with promise and struggle, hope and hardship. i look back and see the valley that i have been circling in. it is a dark place, pregnant with fear and guilt. it was needed because i have now tasted and have seen what a poisonous life i was living. still looking back and being tempted, though. to stay in the dark. to stay content with simple things. to entertain myself with the mundane and the unremarkable. that is the easy way out. i am tired of being lazy. i am tired of letting life happen to me. 

so let's scale that mountain...

it wont be easy. leaving behind the comforts of the home i have made in the valley, will be difficult. wallowing in my past mistakes and feeling sorry for myself, serve as my blankets and pillows, cannot be an excuse anymore. it is time to move on. it is time to turn the page. finally. 

california is over with... 

for those who know me well,  my time in california ruined me. i messed up royally and forgiving myself has not been easy. for years ago that happened. i cannot live in that past anymore. i wrote an album about it. i still write apology songs to the girl i loved out there that i hurt so deeply, but it has to be dropped now. the baggage on my back is breaking me. i cannot take my past with me on this journey. i wont make it. maybe ill keep a picture in my pocket to remind me of the grace that is was extended to me during that hard time, but i cannot carry the load of that circumstance any more. it is too much. i believe repentance is next, and forgiveness has been given. thankful for finally realizing that. 

our pasts do not define us my friends. i say that a lot. because i need to believe it. i moved to maine to refocus. to get healthy, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. and in order to move forward to where the Lord wants me to go, i need to lay everything down. i have been grabbing at my past - hoping i can change it, but i can't. what is done is done. i am finally believing that i can be forgiven. i believe that the Lord has a plan. i believe that He isn't finished with this knucklehead. my past does not define me, and it doesn't define you. it doesn't confine you either. do not believe the lies that you are a lost cause. trust me, i believed that for far to long and it got me know where over the past four years.

four years.

i believed i was trash. so i acted like it. i got drunk a lot. smoked like a chimney and justified it. used and hurt people. because i believed the lie. i believed i could not be forgiven. i could not be loved. that i was too far gone. 

but there is grace. there is forgiveness.

you are not the sum of your past mistakes. stop believing that garbage. let's wake up. make our beds. pack our things. and scale that mountain. it is going to be a long hike. the weather may not be nice sometimes. i'll probably fall a lot. but i will pull out that picture in my pocket and remember that the journey is worth it, and i do NOT want anything to do with the person i have been the past four years. i want to leave that person at the bottom of the mountain. i am looking back currently at that valley. tempted to wallow in bitterness, guilt and regret. my friends, that know me well, please help me keep my eyes on the peak of this mountain. i need you. and thank you for loving me through the mess. 

it starts today...

today is the day that i breathe slowly...

1 comment

  • Shelly Davis

    Shelly Davis

    Hey! Miss your blog! Keep writing!

    Hey! Miss your blog! Keep writing!

Add comment