two steps forward...

two steps forward...

two steps back...

 

anyone else feel like this at times? its a war in my chest when it comes to progress, because i measure my own "success" to those who are around me. "comparison is the robber of joy." i have heard that said. and i find it often very true. today i am going to take a look back on the last month. bear with me because i am just going to dump my thoughts out on this page. 

i have quit smoking for 35 days now. it may come to a shock to some of you that this was a bad habit in my life for three years. i do not really remember why i started. i think i felt that it was what was deserved after being such a screw up on the west coast. in a weird way i felt that smoking would ruin my voice for singing and that was deserved after hurting people i loved. it was a mess. it became the heartbeat of my day. wake up, smoke. walk to work, smoke. on break, smoke. etc. it is simply amazing to me that we can be trained to indulge in something so toxic, repeatedly about our lives, that it becomes muscle memory. i saw this outwardly in smoking, but inwardly in my life. there is forgiveness. two steps forward. right?

two steps back...

i keep fining myself feeling very alone and i try to seek affirmation from people around me, in anyway possible. it's sad really. i equate, happiness, thankfulness, progress, meaning, based off what people think of me or feel about me. in the pursuit of these affirmations i have hurt some people along the way. i wish i could write an apology to each and every single person. maybe i should. because in the pursuit of that end, there is such selfishness and pride. i would eat from its table never satisfied. ever. always craving the next course. wiping away people as if they were simply things. how wrong of me. how disgusting of me. this needs to end. because people deserve love and care. compassion and affection. not to be used and abused and tossed aside. 

 i was sitting in a church...

 

just yesterday. and for the first time in a long time i felt a peace. the pastor spoke on the Spirit of God. i grew up baptist and only talked about the Spirit in light terms. this pastor did not speak in tongues or start doing miracles or anything of the sort. he just put emphasis on the fact that the Spirit of the Living God lives and breathes within us who believe. i have heard it said a million times over my "churched" life. i mean i was a music pastor at a church who had spent the past 7 years in christian education, but the way in which this man believed in what he was saying, was a beautiful moment. then i realized. i have not been living, believing that this was inside me. the gift of the Holy Spirit is powerful. and i have been ignoring it. it's eight inches from your head to your heart. i think i have been just too busy thinking about what to do and how to act and then failing, that i have forgotten that the Lord has given a helper to guide us. 

just thinking...

often i think i have been counted out. because of my past actions and my mistakes. i pray that God can use me again. maybe He will. maybe He wont. but today i am going to remember the great sacrifice of Christ on the cross. and pray that i can be a better representation of what it means to be a believer.because so far i have been a hypocrite. 

thankful for a new day

thankful for my friends

thankful for my family

thankful for grace.

5 comments

  • Michael

    Michael Shoreline, Wa

    Yes, I have felt this way in life. I have been through three car accidents and homeless five times. I turned thirty last year and been doing to much reflection and comparison. Today, I am to the point where I told God I have lived long enough and I want to go home.

    Yes, I have felt this way in life. I have been through three car accidents and homeless five times. I turned thirty last year and been doing to much reflection and comparison. Today, I am to the point where I told God I have lived long enough and I want to go home.

  • MaKayla

    MaKayla Lake Ozarks, Mo

    I’m so thankful you shared this with us all!

    I’m so thankful you shared this with us all!

  • Dan

    Dan North Berwick

    What I love most about our God is...He is a restorer...He uses the most broken things for his glory....

    What I love most about our God is...He is a restorer...He uses the most broken things for his glory....

  • Jon Johnson

    Jon Johnson Wisconsin

    Proverbs 24:16 "For the righteous man falls seven times and rises again, but the wicked stumbles in times of calamity. " Lots to think on here. The 'righteous' man falls???? yup, we are all at war with our flesh, but he rises again. He is lifted back up by God. The wicked are not so. There is another verse, can't remember the reference but it finishes with the wicked fall and are destroyed. Sometimes the fact that we keep getting up is a surer sign of God's grace than when we appear to be costing. Be encouraged, God is faithful.

    Proverbs 24:16 "For the righteous man falls seven times and rises again, but the wicked stumbles in times of calamity. " Lots to think on here. The 'righteous' man falls???? yup, we are all at war with our flesh, but he rises again. He is lifted back up by God. The wicked are not so. There is another verse, can't remember the reference but it finishes with the wicked fall and are destroyed. Sometimes the fact that we keep getting up is a surer sign of God's grace than when we appear to be costing. Be encouraged, God is faithful.

  • Stuart Young

    Stuart Young

    Thanks everyone for responding to this post. I did not see any of these comments until just now. Thankful.

    Thanks everyone for responding to this post. I did not see any of these comments until just now. Thankful.

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