what is unfolding...

a seed needs to die, in order for it to grow. right?

i find it easy to run from my problems. constantly chasing fences in hopes to find greener pastures. if you know me i get really excited about opportunities and jump into them with total disregard for the present responsibilities. it is a gift to be able to chase ideas with complete abandon, but it can also be extremely destructive. it is a different approach i am trying this time. i am running into my mess. leaning into the pressures of reality and asking, "how do i fit?". 

 

I have lived selfishly for so long that i have lost my passion. lost my sense of hope. lost my sense of letting go of the iron grip i have on my own life. i moved away when i was 17 and have been on a crazy ride since. a lot of it had to do with chasing hope. chasing the idea that i could change the world. it stemmed from the idea that nothing could hold me back. well here i am. 26 living with my parents and struggling to recall the reason i am breathing. that is why i moved back here though right? to remember. to fall in love with my first love again. to understand that life is a gift. life is a gift given by the Lord who has been absolutely chasing me down.

 

but you better believe i have been running. 

 

i have run to pretty much every outlet there is. and every single time i think that these things will give me life; they destroy me. but not just me. people around me as well. the pursuit of affirmation from people is at the core of why i have been running. the accolades seem to continue to drift into the back of my mind like a rush from a drug only to dissipate leaving me hallow, longing for another hit. i justify it simply because, "that's the performer way" but it is just another excuse in the ocean of lies i have believed that led me here.

 

well my legs are tired.

 

ready, set, sit!

 

i am done running. people may read this. people may not. honestly at this point i'm gunna stand here. naked. not hiding from anything anymore. i have made huge mistakes. hurt so many people along the way. i glorify my the way my life looks on instagram and facebook like most people do, but man is it exhausting! when lies become all you listen to for years; the voice of doubt becomes a teddy bear that i have come to hold close to my heartbeat. 

i blame california

i blame people around me

i blame my "unfortunate" circumstances

enough.

time to take the credit for my current state. a mess. a boy longing to be a man. i sing songs. but that can be shallow. it is time to throw myself at the feet of Jesus. i remember doing that so many times. it is the only time that i actually feel full. maybe ill stop for a moment in order to be in the presence of the Lord for a bit. if you have read this far, first off, well done haha, then take a min and just be with the Lord. i may be a mess, but i can take my mess to the cross of Christ. i think that is where i am going to start. 

 

because a seed must die before it can grow, right?

1 comment

  • Eli Burdette

    Eli Burdette Lake Ozark, MO

    Man... This is encouraging, in the sense that parts of it are so unfortunately relatable. You talk about glorifying your life on social media, which seems so silly, but strikes true for me personally. We as people want so bad to look like we've got it all together. It's like we're afraid of being prone to mistakes, afraid of being human. We feel vulnerable and inferior if others perceive us in any other way than perfect... Thanks for sharing your heart!

    Man... This is encouraging, in the sense that parts of it are so unfortunately relatable. You talk about glorifying your life on social media, which seems so silly, but strikes true for me personally. We as people want so bad to look like we've got it all together. It's like we're afraid of being prone to mistakes, afraid of being human. We feel vulnerable and inferior if others perceive us in any other way than perfect... Thanks for sharing your heart!

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