a seed needs to die, in order for it to grow. right?
i find it easy to run from my problems. constantly chasing fences in hopes to find greener pastures. if you know me i get really excited about opportunities and jump into them with total disregard for the present responsibilities. it is a gift to be able to chase ideas with complete abandon, but it can also be extremely destructive. it is a different approach i am trying this time. i am running into my mess. leaning into the pressures of reality and asking, "how do i fit?".
I have lived selfishly for so long that i have lost my passion. lost my sense of hope. lost my sense of letting go of the iron grip i have on my own life. i moved away when i was 17 and have been on a crazy ride since. a lot of it had to do with chasing hope. chasing the idea that i could change the world. it stemmed from the idea that nothing could hold me back. well here i am. 26 living with my parents and struggling to recall the reason i am breathing. that is why i moved back here though right? to remember. to fall in love with my first love again. to understand that life is a gift. life is a gift given by the Lord who has been absolutely chasing me down.
but you better believe i have been running.
i have run to pretty much every outlet there is. and every single time i think that these things will give me life; they destroy me. but not just me. people around me as well. the pursuit of affirmation from people is at the core of why i have been running. the accolades seem to continue to drift into the back of my mind like a rush from a drug only to dissipate leaving me hallow, longing for another hit. i justify it simply because, "that's the performer way" but it is just another excuse in the ocean of lies i have believed that led me here.
well my legs are tired.
ready, set, sit!
i am done running. people may read this. people may not. honestly at this point i'm gunna stand here. naked. not hiding from anything anymore. i have made huge mistakes. hurt so many people along the way. i glorify my the way my life looks on instagram and facebook like most people do, but man is it exhausting! when lies become all you listen to for years; the voice of doubt becomes a teddy bear that i have come to hold close to my heartbeat.
i blame california
i blame people around me
i blame my "unfortunate" circumstances
time to take the credit for my current state. a mess. a boy longing to be a man. i sing songs. but that can be shallow. it is time to throw myself at the feet of Jesus. i remember doing that so many times. it is the only time that i actually feel full. maybe ill stop for a moment in order to be in the presence of the Lord for a bit. if you have read this far, first off, well done haha, then take a min and just be with the Lord. i may be a mess, but i can take my mess to the cross of Christ. i think that is where i am going to start.
because a seed must die before it can grow, right?