whoring my heart...

prone to wander...

wander from everything i know to be true and pure...

ive tasted and seen the results of my actions... both the good and the bad...

i find it very interesting that i run to the toxic aspects of life... i sprint to them hoping to find satisfaction... i embrace these things and breathe them deeply into my lungs... it's odd because i have been given so much in this life... so much opportunity, a loving family, a home, and wonderful friends; yet i continue to beat myself up and count myself out from amounting to anything... why is that? i wander... wander in guilt... wander in the lies that i have been believing... i wander in the dark corners of a room and hold my vices close to my chest hoping no one will see past my outer shell that has been fabricated to lead people to think i have it all put together... performing has gone far beyond the stage and the lights... its within the walls of my chest... my heart beats to the rhythm of a facade... and its wearing me out...

i think everyone longs for affirmation... and for me i have found that in unhealthy ways... the mask is wearing thin... how i long to see the world as i did when i was 17 and moving out to new york to chase after hope with total abandon of my own glory... "Christ alone was worth the fight"... i need that again... i have been so sidetracked... by longing for a woman, a career in music, independence, status, and selfish gain, that has led me here... i would chase after all these things for my fix... that affirmation... no matter who it hurt or how it hurt; i would chase it... like a drug... and once i got my fix, i would feel guilt and remorse and try to dig myself out of a mess i created all the while wondering how God could rescue me and redeem me from a mess i have created... 

even in writing this i see how self absorbed this is! i need to get to the point where all i need is the Gospel of Jesus Christ... can i be fully satisfied in Him alone? or have i so far removed myself that i think i can keep creating these idols that can temporarily satisfy the itch in my soul? i am not too far gone.. i am not too far gone! i cannot believe that lie anymore... it has created a cavern so deep and wide over the years between the truth and lies... 

i write this because i feel like i am not alone in this fight... so i say this, "we are not too far gone from the grace of Christ"... i say these things as a confession but also as a plea for prayer... moving back to maine has been a relentless state of discovering "who am i?" there has been a lot of alone time where i see who i truly am... 

my friends, there are seasons of wandering... but i am just now seeing the reason for this season of my life... its weeding out the rotten fruit of my life... its taking effort and painful uprooting... and i have so far to go in this fight... im not where near where i want to be, but i do see a light... but that light is not me... it is the fact that Jesus is pursuing my heart.. it is not glamorous or shiny... it is not a quick fix... it takes time... time in which i wish would speed up, but i am trying to live in this moment... 

i am taking a sip of coffee right now... breathing in... breathing out... knowing that today is a new day... it is a new day full of mercy from God...  my story is not done.. and neither is yours... 

here is my next breath, Lord... 

1 comment

  • Auntie A

    Auntie A Maine

    We are never too far gone from the one who continuously rebuilds and fashions us into new beings with greater abilities to fill His desire for our lives sweet boy:) Never stop writing! He is at work !

    We are never too far gone from the one who continuously rebuilds and fashions us into new beings with greater abilities to fill His desire for our lives sweet boysmile Never stop writing! He is at work !

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