okay. let's grab a cup of coffee...

*takes a sip* 

*stares out to a blank page of imagination*

okay. so, here is the thing. i sit at a coffee shop quite frequently and find the ceiling to be where my eyes drift off to most of the time. currently, there are four burlap coffee bags nailed to the ceiling. irrelevant to my thoughts at the moment, but to give context to my surroundings here at Lil's Cafe right along the ocean in Kittery, Maine. it's a cold day. but my heart is warmed. it is a new day. new challenges and new opportunities to grasp. 

my thoughts...

are nothing too spectacular. i have been thinking a lot lately, however, of the idea of writing a story with our lives. i have a friend, let's call him tim weaver, who gave me two books before moving to maine, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years and Scary Close. both books were written by donald miller, author of Blue Like Jazz which gave him loads of notice and a movie was produced from that book. 

these books challenged me to sink my teeth into living a bold life. not one that is catered to fear. not one that is expected simply because it is the 5 year plan. everyone should read them! i am terrible at summarizing books - so please check it out. 

we love stories. we are romantics, some of us hopeless (me). we love a good comeback, an underdog victory, a last to first, type of story where we can cheer on and thrust our emotions into something outside our mundane lives. something draws us to the campfire where stories are shared of legends, beasts and folklore; and all of a sudden we are inside those stories. they become a part of us. 

i want to live a better story...

i want to walk in a story that is worth living. not one that is overcome with doubt, guilt, self-hate and no progress. 

so far my life has been far removed from normalcy. i graduated a year early from high school - no idea how that could have happened; then moved to upstate new york to go to a little school in the middle of the adirondacks that was a one year unacredited school; from there i moved to albany new york to be a church intern. so far, not normal. 

then i thought it would be nice to follow a girl to california and move there before finishing my bachelors at lancaster bible college. i failed every single class in the semester prior to moving. so i was definitely thinking straight. my dad told me i should not go. ignoring the warning i drove cross country. and guess what, my dad actually went with me. little did i know that decision would wreck me. and not only me, but someone i really love. 

after being an absolute tool and a dishonest person - i stepped down from the church i was working at out in california and made my way back home. if i am completely honest with you, i still think about all that transpired out there quite often. it breaks my heart that i had the potential of being a part of something beautiful, only to squander it over selfish desires. i ruined what could have been a great story. loss of a blessing. but that topic can be for another time.
DON'T SACRIFICE THE ULTIMATE ON THE ALTER OF THE IMMEDIATE - a wise man told me that before going out to the west coast. hmm... interesting. 

but here i am.. on the east coast, trying to sing again. trying to write a new story with my life. one that is free. because Christ has set me free. i choose the chains that bind me most of the time though. how silly. it is preventing me from living a great story driven by the Author of creation. it is sad really. when i choose to stay up way past midnight on my phone or computer, i am closing the book. when i decide to sweet talk someone, i am closing the book. when i decide that i am going to lie and cheat the system for personal gain, i am closing the book on a story that could be well written. so many great adventures await, but i am just so short sighted and far too easily pleased with what is far too easily accessible. its gross. its disturbing. how can i choose something so temporary when i have tasted and see how great the Lord's work is? dog to the vomit. right? i have been chasing these pleasures to the edge of the cliff. 
 

i write about this, but in the same breath i am a struggling soul my friends. 

i write all this as a confession. i feel as though my blog posts are dark and dreary, but honestly it helps me zero in on the hope that is ahead. my story is not done. it is not over. it is a new day. there is new breath in my lungs. its a cool refreshing morning. a hot cup of coffee and friends that care. my heart is getting more full every single day. time to cast aside all that entangles me. 

if you are in some similar spots as me, please reach out. let's grab a cup of coffee. 

 

1 comment

  • Luke J. T.

    Luke J. T. Lancaster

    “I choose the chains that bind me...” amen. We all do brother. We chain and bound ourselves but guess what, we’re already free!! God took our chains, the chains we put ourselves in are self inflicted and not necessary because we are forgiven and loved! I love you bro, I’m glad you’re getting time to heal and restore. Rest up bro. You have people that care and pray for you all around the states!

    “I choose the chains that bind me...” amen. We all do brother. We chain and bound ourselves but guess what, we’re already free!! God took our chains, the chains we put ourselves in are self inflicted and not necessary because we are forgiven and loved! I love you bro, I’m glad you’re getting time to heal and restore. Rest up bro. You have people that care and pray for you all around the states!

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